unsent: i miss you

I see your picture,
I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
but already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
and I miss you.


ten days today. longest so far, huh? i hope things are great in Miarayon, i bet you're nostalgic and in high spirits. i remember you saying (in that Guidon article that featured you) that you find God in Miarayon. i wish i was there with you than here freezing my fingers, writing you a letter that you won't get to read anyway.

when i told them that i wanted to go home earlier, they all said that it's probably because i miss you. i wanted to protest, i wanted to tell them that i wanted to go home not just because i miss you. i wanted to tell them that i am unhappy in this house, that most things turned out to be disappointing, that i'm tired of putting up a happy front. that the reason why i stay up till five in the morning isn't really jetlag, but because i feel most comfortable when i'm alone.

while you're there finding God in Miarayon, i'm here finding out that family does not always mean ohana. lilo said that ohana means nobody gets left behind. but the truth of the matter is that we all move on, and being family does not guarantee that you won't get left behind. i'm realizing, in a very ironic way, that all we really have is ourselves.

but then i have you. and i know that when you say something, you will keep your word. you really are a gift, you know? because just when i was losing faith in people, i remember you. just when i was about to put my guards up, i remember you. recent disappointments pushed me to think twice about trusting other people's words, but then you (and aisa, while chatting in YM) remind me of the beauty of trusting, of taking risks.

you are my favorite risk. and i can say for certain that you are the most beautiful thing in my life. do not ever go.